I guess it was time.

I joined tumblr. My 4 followers can follow me :)
xxob.tumblr.com
do it.
xxo.

she.
him.
they.
them.
they're.
their.
he.
her.
their's.
together.
possible forever.


insanity.
obsession.
depression.
irresistible.
love/hate.
substantial.
insufficient.
desperation.
sorry.
apologies.
dear.
true.
long.
lost.
aborted.
plans.


:(

Bucket List Part 1.

Its overcast, but I can see this tiny patch of blue peeking through. It could, of course, be because I've been staring at the same corner of sky through my bedroom window for the past hour and the sky is starting to look slightly neon. I have all these ideas. They ALWAYS float through my head. Its kind of comical..you know..all the ambitions I have. I would like to now share my ambitions..or rather..my Bucket List. Things I WILL do before I die. I am only 21 years old and I have so much life left to live. I refuse to be intimidated by my list. They are in no particular order:
Visit Thailand.
I've been intrigued by this place since I was a junior in high school. I read a book called Dharma Punx by Noah Levine. He wasn't the best writer, but his story is inspiring. One would have to read it to understand why it had such an impact on me. So how does this relate to Thailand?? Noah traveled to Asia as part of finding his soul and his inner peace. I've been obsessed with Thailand ever since. I want to back pack through..I want to visit the Buddhist temples and have lunch with the monks. At the end of my visit...I want to ride an elephant. That's the goal.


Next would be to learn to play the guitar, piano and cello. As a singer, I find it easy to always be thinking of words...fusing them together into sentences to form lyrics. Songs. I can easily write words onto a piece of paper. No sweat at all. But to write an ENTIRE song...compose it and everything...I lack. I lack ENTIRELY. I want so badly to learn. So, in revision to my previous goal, I want to be able to compose. To learn to write and record my own music. I will do it. I will.

Thirdly, I want to be a part of a Humanitarian Aid project. I feel like the only way to really know myself...and my soul...is to help those that can't help themselves. How incredible would it be to travel to a third world country, leave all worldly obsessions behind, and become completely knee deep in service to strangers. I've looked at several different projects. I would LOVE to work in Nepal, Costa Rica or, of course, Thailand. I've looked into several organizations: IFRE.
Real Gap. WWF. And a couple others. I would love to give my time to a better cause. That's only about a year away from being a reality. I can't even describe my excitement.

I want to eventually become amazing at my career. I want to excel in the hair industry. I am so passionate about it. I want to take my trade to California. Los Angeles, to be exact. I know I can do it. My heart LITERALLY makes long distance phone calls..the old school kind..to California. I've seen the best and worst parts of this place, and none of the bad parts sway my love for CA. I want so badly to be able to make enough money to live in the state that makes my heart the happiest. I'm fully aware of the negative parts of living in California. But that will not stop me. I want to live there. Why not?! I'm single. NOT getting married any time soon. What the hell is holding me back? Nothing. And that's why I'm going to finish my apprenticeship at The Brick House Retreat and make myself insanely good at what I do, and take my new knowledge to the happiest place on US soil. :)


Hold on. Part Deux will be following shortly.

I can do anything.

Here comes another new day. I've managed to completely submerge myself into trouble...yet again. I find it hard to understand how one person can become so socially inept...relationship inept. I am a child trying to learn the ways of the world. I still ache for him. I still feel the pangs of mistakes I made a year ago. Although, through a series of VERY unexpected events, I found solace. Its the damndest thing, really. I never thought I'd see either one of them again. And the one that I DID, in fact, end up seeing..made the hurt for the other one I still have yet to ever see again almost completely disappear. As fortuitous as it was, the events ensuing the extremely unexpected visitation are going to be the death of me. I really didn't see this coming. I didn't even want to spill beans, but my honest soul can't keep its filthy mouth shut. I tried to keep the words down but, alas, the figurative vomit protruded from my lips without any second thoughts or permission granted from the part of my brain that actually DOES grant permission. Now, instead of enjoying the journey life had/has in store for "us", I'm lying here. Writing words into outer space. Words that probably won't ever reach the eyes of anyone but myself. Although..I plan to change that. Writing is what I always wanted to do. Even as a child. I'm going to make a fire from these ashes. From the ruins of an attempt, will come the blaze that will ignite thousands of other souls ablaze. I can do anything. If I can surpass Fromm...I can surpass anything. I can do anything.

Realization

I am alone in this.
There is only me.
There is God, there is family.
But, in this, there is only me.
I am here completely by myself.
I'm only as clear as my mind.
My mind has gray cloud rainstorm.
I have people I know.
I have people that know me.
But they don't really know me.
I am alone in this.
There is ONLY me.

Burial.

Where do all the demons go, when there's no one to put them at bay??
Where do all the beats go when there's no one to give them rhythm.??
Where are all the superheros, when there are no damsels in distress.
If it takes 40+ muscles to smile, what happens when your facial muscles form only frowns.
I see a cloud and it looms so maliciously over my head.
This dark validity is killing me with its timing.
How is this supposed to make its mark?
How is a target supposed to be hit, when there are no bullets in the gun?
How is a breach supposed to be sealed, when their hands are bound?
I don't believe I can see straight now.
I think my mind has stopped understanding.
My heart may or may not be boycotting good vibrations.
I don't think I hear you anymore.
I think my knees are buckling.
Oh here come the redcoats, to carry me away.
They can take me to wherever they want to, as long as its not safe.
Safety is the net that constricts me. Smothers me.
You see the dolphins that get trapped in those things.
They swim DOWN DOWN DOWN until the net breaks.
Why would I want safety if it leads me to my death?
Why would I want someone else to guide me to a stranger's benefit?
I do not remember your guidelines.
Did I get off track, have I severed the lines?
You tell me your secrets and I'll put them in my chest.
They can sit with the rest of my bones.
Perhaps you would prefer a proper burial.
I can do both. Bones belong with dust.

I swear one day.

I swear, one day I won't see your face in every memory I visit.
I swear, one day I'll forget that infectious laugh that could cure any bad day.
I swear, one day I'll stop praying I'll see your car when I drive up that hill.
I swear, one day I'll stop revisiting the past and obsessing over it.
I swear, one day I'll let you leave my heart for good so I can move on with life.
I swear, one day I'll stop lurking her facebook just to stare at the life I could have had.
I swear, one day I'll stop hurting because I am the reason we failed miserably.
I swear, one day I'll accept that I'm crazy for thinking I'm sane.
I swear, one day I'll be just a girl living her life day by day.
I swear, one day I'll stop crying at random moments because the hole you left is so vast.
I swear, one day I'll stop hating myself for losing you.
I swear, one day I'll be better.
I swear...one day all of this will be over and you'll be another skeleton to toss into my closet.

I swear I'm capable of not missing you anymore.
I swear I'm capable of loving someone more than you.

I swear I'm only saying this to make myself believe it.