I know it must be.

Ancient. Prophesied. Heard. Proclaimed. All of this, even with its heroic proof, is unbelievable. Prophetic messiah. Soul and voice exploding in one man. Generations to come. Purity and poise. A bargain. A war. A plea. A sign, after sign, after sign. All burned were liars. Were murderers. Were full of hate and rage. Today, there is no difference. I see this world crumbling. They don't even know that, through their anger..their rage, they're contributing to the most existential angelic plan ever devised. They are making it all happen. I fear for those that weep over materials and idolatry. The time when you must look at those eyes that have loved you at your purest and most innocent state will be the time when you remember your first memory. And you will weep, wail, and gnash your teeth.

Lifelong.

Pieces are falling together. I watch them gain speed as they lurch toward their end position. I'm ready to pin them down so they never lose their way again. I will tape them. I will glue them. I will safety pin them. Whatever it takes. I will frame this jigsaw as a prize in reclamation of my life. I have watched this come together because changes were made and chapters were flipped. Its been time for too long now. Thank God for friendships that were made to foresee eternities. I'm grateful. I am.

A heart. A vein. A pulse. A drain.

A brain. A mind. A knowledge. A find.

A vessel. A crew. A ship. A you.

A mold. A place. A shape. A face.

You would never know the difference.

A voice. A cry. A rhythm. A lie.

A noise. A desire. A muse. A fire.

A life. A hand. A soul. A man.

A thought. A world. A home. A girl.

You would never hear the sounds.

I can hear you.

I can see you.

I can define you in one word.

I can become you in one move.

I can say everything you are in one breath.

I can do everything you do in a second.

All your worth could be summed up in me.

I could bear your burdens.

I could carry your weight.

You are disposable.

And indispensable.

You are obsolete.

And infinite.

You are completely empty.

And you fill my soul.

You are numbed.

And you make me feel so much.

A statue.

A face.

A stitch.

A column.

A frozen breath.

A root.

A rock.

A minute.

A lifetime.

A light.

A moon.

A start.

An end.

I haven't lost anything except my mind.

Today I saw my worst nightmare. He found love without me.

She is beautiful. She is fun. She is everything I'm not.

I hate to admit it...but I am devastated.

I try to take my head off sometimes...He could be empty, and

I would still be empty right there with him.

I hate that my heart can still break months after he stopped caring.

Nobody has ever had this kind of hold on me and, to be quite honest,

its starting to really get at me. I need to let go. I need to forget.

Not run...not hide...not pretend it never happened.

It happened. And now this is happening. I can't give up on happiness.

Just because it didn't get to happen with him...doesn't mean it isn't possible.

I have to keep telling myself that. Its the only thing lucid about this whole situation.

All of this is true...I mean it. But I still can't breathe when I see her with the boy

I used to hold so close. The one that held my heart in the palm of his hand and

laughed while it dropped to the ground. He's still breathing. He's happy. He's forgotten.

And here I sit...alone...on a computer...crying myself into believing its all going to be ok.

You could be hollow, and I could right here hollow with you. If you wanna say goodbye to

everything, I could say goodbye too! I could be right here...empty...with you.

I want to go away for a very long time. I don't want to return. I don't want to arrive. I don't want to get anywhere. I just want to go. Anywhere. Everywhere. Be alone. Be who I am. Find my soul. It seems to have gotten lost along the beaten path. I don't want to think. I don't want to know. I don't want to believe. I don't need to understand. I don't have to do. I don't want this anymore. Giving it back to whomever decided to grace me with this crown of thorns would honestly be the only suitable idea at a time like this. Who decided this was the life for me. Who gave me this and put a bow on it so as to disguise it as a gift. I can't even complete a thought. And I don't want to think. I don't want thought process. I don't want analogies. I don't want symmetry. I don't want metrics. I don't want systems. I don't want logic. I don't want imagination. I don't want walking blind. I don't want the darkness when there can't be light. I just want to exist.

He had no idea.

This whole time I've been mad over you. Madly in love with the way I can completely let go with you. With the way I can look my absolute worst in front of you and you could still find something to say looked beautiful. Our life was a movie...all we lacked were extras and back up music. We needed no script, however, because our perfection just flowed naturally. I, however, had this terrible problem. I doubted you. I doubted us. I doubted me.

He never knew I loved him with everything in me. He never knew just how badly it killed me to watch him leave with her. I watch from the background now, watching her live the dream I created. Hearing her spit the lines I'd so carefully crafted.

So now I'll just watch...just listen....and go on doing nothing about it.

Blank.

Its happening everywhere I go. To everyone I know. And somehow, I'm left here to watch it all speed past as I wonder.."What am I lacking so much of?" I want to know what all the fuss is about. I would love to be a part of this grand scheme everyone is talking about. Is this all in my head? Am I wrong to wonder why I'm always picking the dust out of my bloodshot eyes? I feel like a child. Being the last one picked for kickball because I've always been afraid to get hit in the face with the ball. How do I keep honestly thinking I could be somebody's someone. You have to be what he wants for that to ever happen. Is the image the mirror shows me a lie? Am I not at all what I look like? I keep watching myself stay stationary, while everyone else's life is progressing and they're getting true happiness. I try to engulf myself in things I'm supposed to be obsessed with..but everything I do, I do alone. I'm more alone when I'm with all of you, than when I'm alone on top of this mountainous valley. You tell me where I've gone astray, give me a map, and I'll get back on track. Tell me why I can't feel your presence anymore...aside from the obvious. Tell me how to find you...and really find you. Am I alone so I can find you? If that is the case....find another method.