Near. Far. WHEREVER YOU ARE.

Friends can be 1 mile away, or they can be 1,000 miles away. They can live inside your house with you, they can live in houses in a different country. No matter where they reside, their friendship is pure...it is real...and it knows no boundaries. It knows no distance. I, for one, am always one complaining about insincere friends. The kind that come and go as they please. The kind that are never there when you just need a shoulder to cry on, and the kind that only come around, faking kindness, because they need/want something from you. Perhaps you have a really attractive boy/girl pal that they're super interested in and they need YOU to be their middle man. Perhaps they need you to loan them money. Perhaps they need you to give them shelter for a night or 5.

I am the kind of person, that I will do anything for my friends. I'll drop just about ANYTHING for those I feel are worth the effort, to ensure that their hearts are mended and they're having a better night/day. For some reason, that kind of reciprocation is just so hard to come by! BUT..recently..I've gained some REAL, LIFELONG friends. And, can I just say, it feels AMAZING! Meagan lives in Illinois...but she's been there for me whenever I've needed her, and vice versa. Jamie has seen me through it all, and I couldn't be more appreciative of all the kind things she has done for me. Cory, while we still have our bumps, has seen me at my absolute worst, and STILL manages to give a crap about me. Michelle always has kind words and encouragement that gets me through my situation. My Savior and REDEEMER is there for me no matter how many times I trample over His trust..and shatter His efforts to help me. He never abandons me.

How lucky am I? How lucky are we ALL. If we ever forget about our friends, we should be slapped violently in the face region. With a foam hand....that has sharp shards o' glass glued to its end. Anyway...blessed. I'm feelin it.

I know it must be.

Ancient. Prophesied. Heard. Proclaimed. All of this, even with its heroic proof, is unbelievable. Prophetic messiah. Soul and voice exploding in one man. Generations to come. Purity and poise. A bargain. A war. A plea. A sign, after sign, after sign. All burned were liars. Were murderers. Were full of hate and rage. Today, there is no difference. I see this world crumbling. They don't even know that, through their anger..their rage, they're contributing to the most existential angelic plan ever devised. They are making it all happen. I fear for those that weep over materials and idolatry. The time when you must look at those eyes that have loved you at your purest and most innocent state will be the time when you remember your first memory. And you will weep, wail, and gnash your teeth.

Lifelong.

Pieces are falling together. I watch them gain speed as they lurch toward their end position. I'm ready to pin them down so they never lose their way again. I will tape them. I will glue them. I will safety pin them. Whatever it takes. I will frame this jigsaw as a prize in reclamation of my life. I have watched this come together because changes were made and chapters were flipped. Its been time for too long now. Thank God for friendships that were made to foresee eternities. I'm grateful. I am.

A heart. A vein. A pulse. A drain.

A brain. A mind. A knowledge. A find.

A vessel. A crew. A ship. A you.

A mold. A place. A shape. A face.

You would never know the difference.

A voice. A cry. A rhythm. A lie.

A noise. A desire. A muse. A fire.

A life. A hand. A soul. A man.

A thought. A world. A home. A girl.

You would never hear the sounds.

I can hear you.

I can see you.

I can define you in one word.

I can become you in one move.

I can say everything you are in one breath.

I can do everything you do in a second.

All your worth could be summed up in me.

I could bear your burdens.

I could carry your weight.

You are disposable.

And indispensable.

You are obsolete.

And infinite.

You are completely empty.

And you fill my soul.

You are numbed.

And you make me feel so much.

A statue.

A face.

A stitch.

A column.

A frozen breath.

A root.

A rock.

A minute.

A lifetime.

A light.

A moon.

A start.

An end.

I haven't lost anything except my mind.

Today I saw my worst nightmare. He found love without me.

She is beautiful. She is fun. She is everything I'm not.

I hate to admit it...but I am devastated.

I try to take my head off sometimes...He could be empty, and

I would still be empty right there with him.

I hate that my heart can still break months after he stopped caring.

Nobody has ever had this kind of hold on me and, to be quite honest,

its starting to really get at me. I need to let go. I need to forget.

Not run...not hide...not pretend it never happened.

It happened. And now this is happening. I can't give up on happiness.

Just because it didn't get to happen with him...doesn't mean it isn't possible.

I have to keep telling myself that. Its the only thing lucid about this whole situation.

All of this is true...I mean it. But I still can't breathe when I see her with the boy

I used to hold so close. The one that held my heart in the palm of his hand and

laughed while it dropped to the ground. He's still breathing. He's happy. He's forgotten.

And here I sit...alone...on a computer...crying myself into believing its all going to be ok.

You could be hollow, and I could right here hollow with you. If you wanna say goodbye to

everything, I could say goodbye too! I could be right here...empty...with you.

I want to go away for a very long time. I don't want to return. I don't want to arrive. I don't want to get anywhere. I just want to go. Anywhere. Everywhere. Be alone. Be who I am. Find my soul. It seems to have gotten lost along the beaten path. I don't want to think. I don't want to know. I don't want to believe. I don't need to understand. I don't have to do. I don't want this anymore. Giving it back to whomever decided to grace me with this crown of thorns would honestly be the only suitable idea at a time like this. Who decided this was the life for me. Who gave me this and put a bow on it so as to disguise it as a gift. I can't even complete a thought. And I don't want to think. I don't want thought process. I don't want analogies. I don't want symmetry. I don't want metrics. I don't want systems. I don't want logic. I don't want imagination. I don't want walking blind. I don't want the darkness when there can't be light. I just want to exist.

He had no idea.

This whole time I've been mad over you. Madly in love with the way I can completely let go with you. With the way I can look my absolute worst in front of you and you could still find something to say looked beautiful. Our life was a movie...all we lacked were extras and back up music. We needed no script, however, because our perfection just flowed naturally. I, however, had this terrible problem. I doubted you. I doubted us. I doubted me.

He never knew I loved him with everything in me. He never knew just how badly it killed me to watch him leave with her. I watch from the background now, watching her live the dream I created. Hearing her spit the lines I'd so carefully crafted.

So now I'll just watch...just listen....and go on doing nothing about it.