Realization

I am alone in this.
There is only me.
There is God, there is family.
But, in this, there is only me.
I am here completely by myself.
I'm only as clear as my mind.
My mind has gray cloud rainstorm.
I have people I know.
I have people that know me.
But they don't really know me.
I am alone in this.
There is ONLY me.

Burial.

Where do all the demons go, when there's no one to put them at bay??
Where do all the beats go when there's no one to give them rhythm.??
Where are all the superheros, when there are no damsels in distress.
If it takes 40+ muscles to smile, what happens when your facial muscles form only frowns.
I see a cloud and it looms so maliciously over my head.
This dark validity is killing me with its timing.
How is this supposed to make its mark?
How is a target supposed to be hit, when there are no bullets in the gun?
How is a breach supposed to be sealed, when their hands are bound?
I don't believe I can see straight now.
I think my mind has stopped understanding.
My heart may or may not be boycotting good vibrations.
I don't think I hear you anymore.
I think my knees are buckling.
Oh here come the redcoats, to carry me away.
They can take me to wherever they want to, as long as its not safe.
Safety is the net that constricts me. Smothers me.
You see the dolphins that get trapped in those things.
They swim DOWN DOWN DOWN until the net breaks.
Why would I want safety if it leads me to my death?
Why would I want someone else to guide me to a stranger's benefit?
I do not remember your guidelines.
Did I get off track, have I severed the lines?
You tell me your secrets and I'll put them in my chest.
They can sit with the rest of my bones.
Perhaps you would prefer a proper burial.
I can do both. Bones belong with dust.

I swear one day.

I swear, one day I won't see your face in every memory I visit.
I swear, one day I'll forget that infectious laugh that could cure any bad day.
I swear, one day I'll stop praying I'll see your car when I drive up that hill.
I swear, one day I'll stop revisiting the past and obsessing over it.
I swear, one day I'll let you leave my heart for good so I can move on with life.
I swear, one day I'll stop lurking her facebook just to stare at the life I could have had.
I swear, one day I'll stop hurting because I am the reason we failed miserably.
I swear, one day I'll accept that I'm crazy for thinking I'm sane.
I swear, one day I'll be just a girl living her life day by day.
I swear, one day I'll stop crying at random moments because the hole you left is so vast.
I swear, one day I'll stop hating myself for losing you.
I swear, one day I'll be better.
I swear...one day all of this will be over and you'll be another skeleton to toss into my closet.

I swear I'm capable of not missing you anymore.
I swear I'm capable of loving someone more than you.

I swear I'm only saying this to make myself believe it.

Near. Far. WHEREVER YOU ARE.

Friends can be 1 mile away, or they can be 1,000 miles away. They can live inside your house with you, they can live in houses in a different country. No matter where they reside, their friendship is pure...it is real...and it knows no boundaries. It knows no distance. I, for one, am always one complaining about insincere friends. The kind that come and go as they please. The kind that are never there when you just need a shoulder to cry on, and the kind that only come around, faking kindness, because they need/want something from you. Perhaps you have a really attractive boy/girl pal that they're super interested in and they need YOU to be their middle man. Perhaps they need you to loan them money. Perhaps they need you to give them shelter for a night or 5.

I am the kind of person, that I will do anything for my friends. I'll drop just about ANYTHING for those I feel are worth the effort, to ensure that their hearts are mended and they're having a better night/day. For some reason, that kind of reciprocation is just so hard to come by! BUT..recently..I've gained some REAL, LIFELONG friends. And, can I just say, it feels AMAZING! Meagan lives in Illinois...but she's been there for me whenever I've needed her, and vice versa. Jamie has seen me through it all, and I couldn't be more appreciative of all the kind things she has done for me. Cory, while we still have our bumps, has seen me at my absolute worst, and STILL manages to give a crap about me. Michelle always has kind words and encouragement that gets me through my situation. My Savior and REDEEMER is there for me no matter how many times I trample over His trust..and shatter His efforts to help me. He never abandons me.

How lucky am I? How lucky are we ALL. If we ever forget about our friends, we should be slapped violently in the face region. With a foam hand....that has sharp shards o' glass glued to its end. Anyway...blessed. I'm feelin it.

I know it must be.

Ancient. Prophesied. Heard. Proclaimed. All of this, even with its heroic proof, is unbelievable. Prophetic messiah. Soul and voice exploding in one man. Generations to come. Purity and poise. A bargain. A war. A plea. A sign, after sign, after sign. All burned were liars. Were murderers. Were full of hate and rage. Today, there is no difference. I see this world crumbling. They don't even know that, through their anger..their rage, they're contributing to the most existential angelic plan ever devised. They are making it all happen. I fear for those that weep over materials and idolatry. The time when you must look at those eyes that have loved you at your purest and most innocent state will be the time when you remember your first memory. And you will weep, wail, and gnash your teeth.

Lifelong.

Pieces are falling together. I watch them gain speed as they lurch toward their end position. I'm ready to pin them down so they never lose their way again. I will tape them. I will glue them. I will safety pin them. Whatever it takes. I will frame this jigsaw as a prize in reclamation of my life. I have watched this come together because changes were made and chapters were flipped. Its been time for too long now. Thank God for friendships that were made to foresee eternities. I'm grateful. I am.

A heart. A vein. A pulse. A drain.

A brain. A mind. A knowledge. A find.

A vessel. A crew. A ship. A you.

A mold. A place. A shape. A face.

You would never know the difference.

A voice. A cry. A rhythm. A lie.

A noise. A desire. A muse. A fire.

A life. A hand. A soul. A man.

A thought. A world. A home. A girl.

You would never hear the sounds.

I can hear you.

I can see you.

I can define you in one word.

I can become you in one move.

I can say everything you are in one breath.

I can do everything you do in a second.

All your worth could be summed up in me.

I could bear your burdens.

I could carry your weight.

You are disposable.

And indispensable.

You are obsolete.

And infinite.

You are completely empty.

And you fill my soul.

You are numbed.

And you make me feel so much.

A statue.

A face.

A stitch.

A column.

A frozen breath.

A root.

A rock.

A minute.

A lifetime.

A light.

A moon.

A start.

An end.