Realization

I am alone in this.
There is only me.
There is God, there is family.
But, in this, there is only me.
I am here completely by myself.
I'm only as clear as my mind.
My mind has gray cloud rainstorm.
I have people I know.
I have people that know me.
But they don't really know me.
I am alone in this.
There is ONLY me.

Burial.

Where do all the demons go, when there's no one to put them at bay??
Where do all the beats go when there's no one to give them rhythm.??
Where are all the superheros, when there are no damsels in distress.
If it takes 40+ muscles to smile, what happens when your facial muscles form only frowns.
I see a cloud and it looms so maliciously over my head.
This dark validity is killing me with its timing.
How is this supposed to make its mark?
How is a target supposed to be hit, when there are no bullets in the gun?
How is a breach supposed to be sealed, when their hands are bound?
I don't believe I can see straight now.
I think my mind has stopped understanding.
My heart may or may not be boycotting good vibrations.
I don't think I hear you anymore.
I think my knees are buckling.
Oh here come the redcoats, to carry me away.
They can take me to wherever they want to, as long as its not safe.
Safety is the net that constricts me. Smothers me.
You see the dolphins that get trapped in those things.
They swim DOWN DOWN DOWN until the net breaks.
Why would I want safety if it leads me to my death?
Why would I want someone else to guide me to a stranger's benefit?
I do not remember your guidelines.
Did I get off track, have I severed the lines?
You tell me your secrets and I'll put them in my chest.
They can sit with the rest of my bones.
Perhaps you would prefer a proper burial.
I can do both. Bones belong with dust.

I swear one day.

I swear, one day I won't see your face in every memory I visit.
I swear, one day I'll forget that infectious laugh that could cure any bad day.
I swear, one day I'll stop praying I'll see your car when I drive up that hill.
I swear, one day I'll stop revisiting the past and obsessing over it.
I swear, one day I'll let you leave my heart for good so I can move on with life.
I swear, one day I'll stop lurking her facebook just to stare at the life I could have had.
I swear, one day I'll stop hurting because I am the reason we failed miserably.
I swear, one day I'll accept that I'm crazy for thinking I'm sane.
I swear, one day I'll be just a girl living her life day by day.
I swear, one day I'll stop crying at random moments because the hole you left is so vast.
I swear, one day I'll stop hating myself for losing you.
I swear, one day I'll be better.
I swear...one day all of this will be over and you'll be another skeleton to toss into my closet.

I swear I'm capable of not missing you anymore.
I swear I'm capable of loving someone more than you.

I swear I'm only saying this to make myself believe it.

Near. Far. WHEREVER YOU ARE.

Friends can be 1 mile away, or they can be 1,000 miles away. They can live inside your house with you, they can live in houses in a different country. No matter where they reside, their friendship is pure...it is real...and it knows no boundaries. It knows no distance. I, for one, am always one complaining about insincere friends. The kind that come and go as they please. The kind that are never there when you just need a shoulder to cry on, and the kind that only come around, faking kindness, because they need/want something from you. Perhaps you have a really attractive boy/girl pal that they're super interested in and they need YOU to be their middle man. Perhaps they need you to loan them money. Perhaps they need you to give them shelter for a night or 5.

I am the kind of person, that I will do anything for my friends. I'll drop just about ANYTHING for those I feel are worth the effort, to ensure that their hearts are mended and they're having a better night/day. For some reason, that kind of reciprocation is just so hard to come by! BUT..recently..I've gained some REAL, LIFELONG friends. And, can I just say, it feels AMAZING! Meagan lives in Illinois...but she's been there for me whenever I've needed her, and vice versa. Jamie has seen me through it all, and I couldn't be more appreciative of all the kind things she has done for me. Cory, while we still have our bumps, has seen me at my absolute worst, and STILL manages to give a crap about me. Michelle always has kind words and encouragement that gets me through my situation. My Savior and REDEEMER is there for me no matter how many times I trample over His trust..and shatter His efforts to help me. He never abandons me.

How lucky am I? How lucky are we ALL. If we ever forget about our friends, we should be slapped violently in the face region. With a foam hand....that has sharp shards o' glass glued to its end. Anyway...blessed. I'm feelin it.

I know it must be.

Ancient. Prophesied. Heard. Proclaimed. All of this, even with its heroic proof, is unbelievable. Prophetic messiah. Soul and voice exploding in one man. Generations to come. Purity and poise. A bargain. A war. A plea. A sign, after sign, after sign. All burned were liars. Were murderers. Were full of hate and rage. Today, there is no difference. I see this world crumbling. They don't even know that, through their anger..their rage, they're contributing to the most existential angelic plan ever devised. They are making it all happen. I fear for those that weep over materials and idolatry. The time when you must look at those eyes that have loved you at your purest and most innocent state will be the time when you remember your first memory. And you will weep, wail, and gnash your teeth.

Lifelong.

Pieces are falling together. I watch them gain speed as they lurch toward their end position. I'm ready to pin them down so they never lose their way again. I will tape them. I will glue them. I will safety pin them. Whatever it takes. I will frame this jigsaw as a prize in reclamation of my life. I have watched this come together because changes were made and chapters were flipped. Its been time for too long now. Thank God for friendships that were made to foresee eternities. I'm grateful. I am.

A heart. A vein. A pulse. A drain.

A brain. A mind. A knowledge. A find.

A vessel. A crew. A ship. A you.

A mold. A place. A shape. A face.

You would never know the difference.

A voice. A cry. A rhythm. A lie.

A noise. A desire. A muse. A fire.

A life. A hand. A soul. A man.

A thought. A world. A home. A girl.

You would never hear the sounds.

I can hear you.

I can see you.

I can define you in one word.

I can become you in one move.

I can say everything you are in one breath.

I can do everything you do in a second.

All your worth could be summed up in me.

I could bear your burdens.

I could carry your weight.

You are disposable.

And indispensable.

You are obsolete.

And infinite.

You are completely empty.

And you fill my soul.

You are numbed.

And you make me feel so much.

A statue.

A face.

A stitch.

A column.

A frozen breath.

A root.

A rock.

A minute.

A lifetime.

A light.

A moon.

A start.

An end.

I haven't lost anything except my mind.

Today I saw my worst nightmare. He found love without me.

She is beautiful. She is fun. She is everything I'm not.

I hate to admit it...but I am devastated.

I try to take my head off sometimes...He could be empty, and

I would still be empty right there with him.

I hate that my heart can still break months after he stopped caring.

Nobody has ever had this kind of hold on me and, to be quite honest,

its starting to really get at me. I need to let go. I need to forget.

Not run...not hide...not pretend it never happened.

It happened. And now this is happening. I can't give up on happiness.

Just because it didn't get to happen with him...doesn't mean it isn't possible.

I have to keep telling myself that. Its the only thing lucid about this whole situation.

All of this is true...I mean it. But I still can't breathe when I see her with the boy

I used to hold so close. The one that held my heart in the palm of his hand and

laughed while it dropped to the ground. He's still breathing. He's happy. He's forgotten.

And here I sit...alone...on a computer...crying myself into believing its all going to be ok.

You could be hollow, and I could right here hollow with you. If you wanna say goodbye to

everything, I could say goodbye too! I could be right here...empty...with you.

I want to go away for a very long time. I don't want to return. I don't want to arrive. I don't want to get anywhere. I just want to go. Anywhere. Everywhere. Be alone. Be who I am. Find my soul. It seems to have gotten lost along the beaten path. I don't want to think. I don't want to know. I don't want to believe. I don't need to understand. I don't have to do. I don't want this anymore. Giving it back to whomever decided to grace me with this crown of thorns would honestly be the only suitable idea at a time like this. Who decided this was the life for me. Who gave me this and put a bow on it so as to disguise it as a gift. I can't even complete a thought. And I don't want to think. I don't want thought process. I don't want analogies. I don't want symmetry. I don't want metrics. I don't want systems. I don't want logic. I don't want imagination. I don't want walking blind. I don't want the darkness when there can't be light. I just want to exist.

He had no idea.

This whole time I've been mad over you. Madly in love with the way I can completely let go with you. With the way I can look my absolute worst in front of you and you could still find something to say looked beautiful. Our life was a movie...all we lacked were extras and back up music. We needed no script, however, because our perfection just flowed naturally. I, however, had this terrible problem. I doubted you. I doubted us. I doubted me.

He never knew I loved him with everything in me. He never knew just how badly it killed me to watch him leave with her. I watch from the background now, watching her live the dream I created. Hearing her spit the lines I'd so carefully crafted.

So now I'll just watch...just listen....and go on doing nothing about it.

Blank.

Its happening everywhere I go. To everyone I know. And somehow, I'm left here to watch it all speed past as I wonder.."What am I lacking so much of?" I want to know what all the fuss is about. I would love to be a part of this grand scheme everyone is talking about. Is this all in my head? Am I wrong to wonder why I'm always picking the dust out of my bloodshot eyes? I feel like a child. Being the last one picked for kickball because I've always been afraid to get hit in the face with the ball. How do I keep honestly thinking I could be somebody's someone. You have to be what he wants for that to ever happen. Is the image the mirror shows me a lie? Am I not at all what I look like? I keep watching myself stay stationary, while everyone else's life is progressing and they're getting true happiness. I try to engulf myself in things I'm supposed to be obsessed with..but everything I do, I do alone. I'm more alone when I'm with all of you, than when I'm alone on top of this mountainous valley. You tell me where I've gone astray, give me a map, and I'll get back on track. Tell me why I can't feel your presence anymore...aside from the obvious. Tell me how to find you...and really find you. Am I alone so I can find you? If that is the case....find another method.

Eyes Were Peeled Open

Today my eyes were peeled open, revealing a harsher world than I'd imagined was truly out there. The assumed lies spread on TV weren't lies anymore and the words spoken by said politic leaders weren't predictable falsehoods. The words were true. The world fell metaphorically into my lap and suddenly I couldn't stand anymore. Tears drenched my now aged face and I wasn't the carefree youth I once was. These problems were not only effecting the pictures in my books anymore, they were clawing their way into my world. The world that I saw with my bloodied eyes every single day. The world that had been incrementally changing without a warning or without a broadcast.

Today my eyes were peeled back, and I saw this planet for what it is. A growing ecosystem of people just trying to live their lives. I found out a secret this rotating ball has been keeping from us innocent nomads. There is trouble at every turnstile. There is heartache around every riverbend. There is misery accompanying every exciting moment. Taking a piggy-back on every happy moment in our lives. Just waiting for an unsuspecting traveler to blindside. The world is full of breaking news that lines our papers and resignating in our already full minds. And the news that isn't big enough to reach the screens of a box is just as bad as that news that IS big enough. Personal errors are what kills the slowest. Personal heart saws are what cut through our youth. I believe that sparks the aging fire. That is what ages us to a wrinkled heap of humanity.

Today my heart was carved into stone and given to any of the ones who know what I'm saying. Who can read through the garbage and sift through the debris and still want to live their lives. Who have experienced the worst type of pain there is. Falling out of love with another human being who said they shared the same love you so delicately created within the walls of your beating chambers. This heart is carved for you. This chamber is emptied to make room for any travelers that lose their way on their journey to patch things together free-handed.

Today my heart was carved into stone and these bleeding eyes went back into their safe haven. The darkness that is light in the hours that so desperately seek the light. This heart's beats have been stalled for times when your heart simply cannot supply blood to your body anymore. When it's burden is to heavy to carry alone. I will beat for you. I will see for you. I will love you. This is swear.

Ideas.

Who's to say they're not worth trying? Who decides what's worth a second thought, and what is not. If you imagine it can work, there is no reason that it can't. Nay sayers should not be the deciding factor in what is a good idea and what is a bad idea. "If you can dream it, you can do it." There couldn't be anything more true. Just follow your heart. Do what you feel. Be what you are. And live as you know you should. Intuition is not something someone made up just to sound intelligent.

This Life.

I feel like this life has so much to offer. Every single living breathing human being has energy they transfer to others just by existing. I guess because of the life I've lived, I know how much a simple smile can effect one person's day. Or the way a "Hey! How are you doing?" can change one's day completely. I feel like lately I've been a little out of touch with life..with the light anyone can offer me. I've grown darker, and I don't even mean to. I'm a woman...so this feeling means I'm being dramatic and hormonal? I disagree. I do not believe that because I love human beings for all that they are...even if I pass unjust judgments on them at a subconscious level...that I am overzealous about the feelings I get. It isn't fair to assume the worst about me. Even my 'bestfriends' know nothing about me...and you know its wrong when they make you feel worse than your darkest dreams. There are so many people out there that want to cloud your happiness...that want to make your vision clouded so as to prevent you from progressing to the level of happiness that is definitely achievable for you. I often ask myself why its that way...why these people are so set on ruining me. I understand now. Its my challenge in life. As if the past wasn't enough of a challenge...and the pretty recent has been out of control as well. I have to face people at their worst. I love them..I want them to love me. To accept me. I expect it to be easy. I am always expecting the best out of my piers. I always assume that because I can love so easily, that others around me can do the same. Untrue. I don't think anything could be more false if it purposely failed a lie detector test. Its disheartening to know that a common love, that SHOULD be the easiest thing to give, is the hardest thing to receive in return. I always thought that when you loved loudly, that anyone hearing the message would HAVE to return in a sense. I guess this life has more lessons to offer me than I allow myself to believe. I've been lacking creativity, lately. Perhaps that is why I feel so sullen...so down. Perhaps that is why, when you look at me, you're afraid to love me because I look like love is impossible. Do I overuse love? Probably. And I hope so. I deserve to. Everyone needs love. I suppose my lesson is that no matter what, I should love everyone, even if I get the deepest hate back sometimes. I've been walked all over, betrayed, lied to, hurt, and all of the above..by people I thought were my BEST of the best friends. I also have to learn that not everyone, although they can be loved, cannot be trusted. Let's be honest.

Bamboo Banga.

Sounds. Rhythm.
Heart. Emotion.
Energy. Life.
Runner. Hunter.
Sun. Growth.
Bamboo. Banga.